By, Dr. Kerris Dillon

Women!!! I have a beef with you! Why do we as women not tell each other what we’re going to experience as our bodies age? For the last 2 years, I’ve been having dreams of becoming pregnant. Thinking that I’ve absolutely lost my mind, I finally looked up this phenomenon and found that it’s very normal for women to have these dreams before entering Menopause. SERIOUSLY?!?

Let me add this to the list of items no woman ever told me would happen to my body as I aged. Sure, I got “the talk” in 6th grade. By the way, my mother was the 6th grade teacher so when I got “the talk” the rest of my classmates got “the talk” as well. Large anatomical posters of genitalia were positioned on the chalkboard trays for all to see. None of our bodies looked like those posters, but we found out what was soon coming in the next couple of years. Periods, cramps, breast growth, body hair, and pubic hair were well-explained.

What was not well-explained was EVERYTHING ELSE! Sure, I’d heard my mother and her friends talk about hot flashes, but this was about it. Before we get to menopause, let’s start with childbirth and its changes! Nobody ever told me that during pregnancy my baby was apparently like fertilizer and would make my leg and armpit hair grow so incredibly fast I would look like a man by the end of the day if I wasn’t careful.

No woman ever told me that my nipples would change during pregnancy either! I know this sounds so stupid, but I would’ve liked to have known that my nickel to quarter sized nipples would turn into enormous silver dollars by the time my baby was born!!! I seriously can’t believe how much I had to mourn my body during pregnancy and after my first baby was born.

I don’t know if I’m just stupid or lack common sense, but ladies…why didn’t you ever tell me that my cave of wonder was going to get bigger after a natural birth?!? Not only does it get bigger, but for a period of 4-5 weeks it looks and feels like a nuclear warhead went off in that thing! I remembering showering for the first time after giving birth and trying to clean around the cave and thinking, “Oh my God! Did a bomb go off in my field of plenty?” I wasn’t aware that human flesh could move in those directions and then return to normalcy in many weeks.

What is even more insane is when a women gives birth and we all show up to her home and act like we don’t notice her wobbling around like she was recently detonated. I honestly want to help her ice her pop-socket, tell her it’s not worth it at first, and then pour her a drink. The bullshit about forgetting the pain in time is a folklore, something women tell other women so we keep our species alive. I’ll never forget my first explosion and I honestly had to mourn my native lands between my legs, which now had been restitched and demolished for a new purpose. I was becoming a mini-mall which would be open for another 2+ years as 2 other children passed through and manipulated it again.

I used to joke that I was a transport or vessel ship for my children to enter the world and sometimes I definitely felt this way. Excuse me for not seeing the beauty of pregnancy or childbirth, but I refuse to continue the Hallmark mindset that generally sets women up for post-baby blues and a lifetime of maternal insecurities. I have no problem with women that feel this way, but 100% poetry-in-motion baby affirmations are crap and everyone knows it. Yes, it is amazing to watch your flesh-n-blood grow, develop, and say the most amazing things you’ve ever seen! It also sucks when you’ve had two hours of sleep, your husband refuses to wake up, and your child is puking all over you and refuses to sleep. That’s reality.

So, my 3 children are now in double digits and I’m loving being a mother! Sometimes, mothers love the younger ages, but I totally love the older ages. What I don’t love is all the other things my body is now doing that no woman ever told me about! Apparently, when a woman hits 40 years old they start growing a beard? Okay, I’m not growing a beard, but it sure feels like it! There are dark hairs growing out my chin and my neck! When I asked some older females about this, they told me that they just SHAVED THEIR FACES!!!

WHAT?!?!?! Where are the commercials on television about this?!?!? If commercials can highlight erectile dysfunction, why can’t they talk about menopausal beard hair for women?!?!? Let’s get real society! I want to see women shave their faces on television!!! I still can’t do it. I still grab my stupid tweezers and take em out one by one because apparently I am a sadist. OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t wait to have my face turn beet red and puff up like a blowfish so I can wave some paper back and forth like it’s actually helping me to cool off. I already keep my home like a freezer and if anyone in the house touches the thermostat I go Incredible Hulk on them. My poor son who is Autistic barely eats and wears a snowsuit around in the summer because of me. When he tells me its too cold, I inform him that the only way for me to cool off it to take all my clothes off and he heads back to his room to put another layer on.

What next ladies? What else is going to change that you aren’t telling me about? Are my eyes going to cry blood? Is my uterus going to fall out between my legs when I turn 70? Will I urinate green at some point? Let’s not hold back here. I’d rather know then keep all these secrets that we seem to want to hold. If this is truly the time where women are stepping forward and entering all fields of occupation, it is time to be honest with each other and talk about those things that are purely “woman”. It is not only important for our learning, but also for health and well-being.

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